Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my second DD. My first one was more than 27 years ago. I didn’t take note of the date.
The flower in the image for this post is Lily of the Valley. Another name this flower is called is Our Lady’s Tears. I thought it fitting as a representation of the last day of the worst year of my life, and the 365 days I’ve spent in the valley of the shadow of death. There’s beauty in the midst of pain. God helps me see it. There’s flourishing life in the valley. God helps me experience it.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…
I have a small clipboard with a small blue notepad on it. It contains pages with my handwriting that outlines an initial offer for dividing our assets and debts for divorce. He left me in August. It was humiliating. After trying to patch this back together after his infidelity, he left me. He told his relatives, “Mona and I decided to call it quits.” Mona didn’t decide anything. Mona was decided upon. I don’t know why that’s what’s on my mind today.
I’ve walked. I’ve crawled. I’ve laid down and cried in this valley of the shadow of death. I’ve poured myself out to God for help and comfort. I’ve talked to girlfriends on the phone when I couldn’t get out of my car to go into work. I’ve waded through a long valley this past year, and as God as my witness (extra drama), I’m nearing the foothills to walk my way out.
About a week after he left me, husband came right back. I’m not willing to go through that again. I think neither is husband. Something seemed to click for him. I was willing to let him go. I did not pursue him to get him to come home and remain my husband. I started to separate our cell phone bills, and started putting the household bills in my name. I gave him half the savings and half the checking (which wasn’t much). I pulled out that clipboard and wrote down the fairest division of our accumulated stuff and debt that I could figure on my own.
I talked with a friend, who would help me with my divorce filing. I reached out to a step-sister, who is a lawyer, to see if she could help me with information about how this all works. I broke it to the kids, all five of them, one call at a time. I cried and cried and pulled myself back together.
Yea though I walk….
I repeated these words to myself this year, “yea though I walk”, often. I think I want it as a tattoo. I have walked through a valley and I’ve faced evil, and I’m coming closer to foothills each day. I’ve come so far. I need to keep reminding myself that when I’m feeling blue.
I love my husband. He’s being intentionally kind and attentive today. We’ve spent the day napping and not getting much done. We’re talking about future plans for camping this summer, and where we want to go. Lighthearted conversation.
Two thoughts to close out this post…
Thought One: My heart is glad my husband came back to me. It was his choice, without influence or pressure. And, for the last time. There won’t be another fight-leave-come back experience. My heart feels a measure of gladness when I look at him.
Thought Two: Yea though I walked, I didn’t walk alone. Don’t you do this alone! Because of the constant encouragement of my psychologist, I’ve surrounded myself with a team of walkers. They have been great company along the way, and I’m forever grateful.
Tomorrow is DD anniversary, and the first year of recovery will be behind us.