Secretly starting this blog just about a month ago, I’ve asked my husband today for his blessing to share our journey. Without hesitation, I have his support. I love being able to say this, and I’m proud of him.
We’re working through creating a new marriage. The old marriage is dead and almost buried. I liken it to having gone through a divorce, and marrying someone new. We are working through the aftermath that unfaithfulness brings to a couple. I’m healing, and I’m growing. He is healing and growing.
What makes this work, is we’re both willing to face ourselves …
I started my blog to help myself remember. I’m a survivor of a trauma-filled childhood. (I am a survivor, period.) As a result, I have a problem accessing my long term memory. My mind hides all the memories that it perceives I shouldn’t have access to, and it does so against my conscious will. Somewhere along the way, in my early 20’s I’m guessing, it started to hide more than just the painful memories, and moved on to nearly all of them.
The further away we get from “Discovery Day” of the affair, the less my mind wants to hold onto what has happened. This time around, I can’t let myself forget. I can’t let myself be naive enough to go through this again. It could happen again, but that would be it. The end. I am choosing for myself a life that won’t include this turmoil in the future without a definite conclusion.
I want a record, one that can’t be ruined or lost, to document the hard things I’ve walked through because of adultery. In doing so…creating this record…I can also see the positive impact blogging is having on me.
I can let it go. The memory is free to fade, and it is fading fast. I had been constantly reflecting on DD and the week that followed for a full year; for my own sake, I cannot forget! This is not the first time my husband has been unfaithful. So for my own sake, I must remember all of it, or so I’ve thought. I’ve been torturing myself trying to hold the details sharply in my mind. Now I can stop doing that. I can continue to work with my psychologist to heal and recover, and to crack the code on my brain’s safe. However, in the meantime, I am safe to let the memories go.
I have found I’m not the only one. Of course I know this, but I have felt rather isolated and alone during this past year. I have found encouragement by reading other people’s blogs that describes their experience using the very same words that I would use. It is comforting to see that while we’re struggling to figure this out a full year later, so have other couples.
It has forced me to be more responsible with my thoughts. I don’t want to be a man-hater, husband-basher, anger junkie who vomits rage over the internet. (Other people can do that…I’m not judging. I just don’t want that for my life.) I don’t want to bring shame and humiliation to my husband. I write, and rewrite. I read and then correct, delete passive aggressive thoughts I find woven into my writing here and there. I hold myself accountable for what I need to change in myself, reflecting that in my writing. I balance self-accountability for my shortcomings, with being careful to not own his shortcomings and poor choices.
I feel my creativity returning to me. The more I write, the more I want to write. I know I don’t have professional writing skills. I don’t think with blogging that’s the whole point. It shouldn’t be the whole point. I’m doing this for free, after all. I like that I’ve written a few poems. I’m back to finding a measure of fulfillment from exercising my creative muscles.
Last, but not least…
I have my husband’s support. It means the world to me to have this freedom to respectfully share a journey we both own.