My breath, where did it go
I’m falling down a well with no bottom
A well with no sides
A well that holds the whole world’s fears
I find them all as they dance and jeer and whisper in my ear
“You’re not enough
You weren’t enough
You won’t ever be enough”
Punctuate the bell’s clanging!
Mark the warning I hear it ringing out for me!
Face myself
Face it all
Face none of it
Horror is flying around me like a thousand silent crows that are angry with my flailing descent, being stirred from its resting perch
Two creatures from the deep rise up to meet me
Two creatures whose names they scream in long sickening shrieks
“Feeeeaaaarrrr!
Teeeerrrroooorrrr!!”
Their worn and flimsy garments fly up as the creatures keep pace with my plunge into the deep
Fear reveals its bony finger with a thick and jagged nail, yellowed from the marrow of its victims, from behind a scant and decaying sleeve
And Fear presses my chest with that finger and that nail,
And presses
And presses
And Fear presses and pierces my heart right through
I feel it
And I can’t stop it
And I can’t stop falling
Fear withdraws its finger and pulls out my breath and I see it leave me
Long and thin
Like a sinew or a tendon
My breath is wound around its finger and pulled out by Fear
Try harder! Come back, my breath, with my heaving effort!
Yet it is gone from my chest
From my pounding pierced heart, that is jumping like a sledgehammer being wielded by an angry giant
There is my breath
My breath
Fear slivers my breath into a dark and gaping mouth like a child slurps a noodle
While it screams its name into the darkness of the well
“Feeeaaarrr!! Feeeaaarrr!!Feeeaaarrr!!”
Terror slowly licks my face with a long and bulging tongue
Terror puts its four hands into my heart and Terror pulls
And pulls
And pulls
And pulls apart each pulsing valve
One from the other
And each hand holds a piece of my flailing heart
Terror looks over each piece and is grimly satisfied with its craftsmanship
And Terror shoves its four hands clutching my heart with violence
Down
Down
Down into my stomach
And my gut aches with a dull ache
Like the ache when intuition is putting down roots
And as Terror pulls out its four hands, my heart quickly floats upward
Lodging in my throat it chokes me
While Terror screams its name
Teeerrrooorrr!!
Teeerrrooorrr!!
Teeerrrooorrr!!
And the silent, angry crows fly around me faster and faster
And the bell rings louder and louder
And my breath is no more
As I fall
In this well with no bottom
In this well with no sides
~Poem by Mona Tuiles, describing the “freeze, flight, or fight” feeling
