In less than a month it will be a full year since DD (Discovery Day), which is a term I didn’t know until a few days ago. If someone would have told me that I’d still experience lots of sad days even this far from DD, I wouldn’t have believed it.
I still cry. I sometimes cry myself to sleep, quietly.
I still am easily triggered by the gobs of TV shows and movies that surprise me with story lines of infidelity. Catching even a glimpse of it brings me right back to reading the words my husband shared with his AP (Affair Partner)…another term I’ve learned.
Some days I just wake up sad for no real reason I can point to. I hate those days. I fake smiles at work, and I sit in funky melancholy once I get back home. I don’t seem to get much done, and my mind is silent for hours. Sad nothingness.
I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I know how that feels, and this is different. I’m not trying to dwell on anything, and I’m not dwelling on it most sad days. This sadness just shows up and hangs out like an unwanted visitor.
Nine months ago I started seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis. He’s really good at his craft. There’s just alot to process. And reprocess. Two months ago I added a psychiatrist to the regimen, with a different anti-depressant med, and an anti-anxiety med, and a sleep med.
Alot of meds. I’m still sad.
Nine months ago I joined a CrossFit gym. I go three days each week, fairly regularly. I love it! I’m welcomed in this community. They are happy to see me, and I them. I exercise my brains out for one hour each session.
I sweat and sweat. I’m still sad.
I love my church family and my church. Love them, love it. I can’t bring myself to go lately. I am just too sad. Sounds counter-intuitive, even to me. I just can’t bring myself to do it.
I listen to upbeat, positive themed music. I’ve cleaned up my playlists to get rid of triggering songs and depressing songs. Still sad.
I have started using the app Headspace and Calm to do some mindfulness and meditation. I have read a book called, “Hiding from Love”. I’ve filled a whole journal writing feelings out one by one.
I’ve joined a support group, and I’ve gone on a support group weekend retreat. I’ve leaned hard on my support team of friends and relatives. We’ve had marriage counseling sessions. I pray. I read. I do Qi Gong.
I eat healthy food. I eat ice cream and chocolate bars. I have sex with my husband. I pet my puppies. I work on my hobbies.
And, I’m still sad. This sadness is unlike any other sadness I’ve experienced in my life, and I hate it. It feels like grief but we’re all still alive. It feels like exhaustion, but I’m getting plenty of sleep now. It feels like it isn’t “escapable”, but I have lots of good days.
I make plans to do things with my husband. I make plans to do things without my husband. I feel so guilty looking at the pain in my husband’s eyes when he sees my sadness. I try to hide it because there’s nothing to say that fixes this. I reach for his hand and he holds it. I lean into his chest and he holds me. I stare into the shadows, and he stares with me.
I’m still sad. Sad, sad, sad. My “sad days” to “mad days” ratio is something like 30:1.
What about you? What have you tried? Have you been able to make peace with the sad day visitor?